June 19, 2010

Can you tell me what I'm supposed to do?

Words are sacred. They deserve respect. If you get the right ones in the right order, you can nudge the world a little….   -  Tom Stoppard

It happens every now and again, at least to me if not to you.  Words form and flow out through mouth, pen, or keyboard, but just don't come out the way they were intended to.  They take on a life of their own, as it were, conveying a different tone or meaning than they had in the brain.  You can practically hear them laughing at you as they cause themselves to be misinterpreted.  They nudge the world in the wrong direction.  And then, of course, comes the response to these rogue phrases, which can leave you (or at least, me) sitting flummoxed by the disdain thrown back at you.

Happened to me once again just yesterday.  I'm sure it won't be the last time, but you would think I'd learn.  One thing I have definitely figured out, though, is to take a look at my reaction to these situations--  This time around, it was a mix of embarrassment that I had expressed myself so poorly, frustration that people couldn't see through my ill-chosen words to the real intent behind them, and hurt over some of the harsh things said in reply.  Such a combination of emotions makes it difficult to not lapse back into the sullen misanthropic state that I've spent the last few years struggling to climb out of.

So why do these occurrences affect me so deeply?  There is a part of me that's fully aware that I'm not alone in making verbal mistakes, that the people who really care about me won't be swayed by my misstep, and that the entire situation will pass from memory sooner or later.  But there's another part that I've realized resides in my shadow side--  A small, insecure bit of me that wants to be accepted and appreciated, that's terrified of ostracism.  I say that this is a part of my shadow because I've always prided myself on not needing the approval of others, on recognizing my own merits and having the assurance to stand alone if need be.  But in exploring the anger that I've carried around for most of my life, I discovered just what I was sublimating in my unconscious-- My social nature, that primitive part of all of us that needs to feel it belongs to a tribe of some sort.  I've had to admit that, as content as I can be alone, it does feel good to connect with people with whom I share common interests and values.  But once such a connection is made, difficulties in communication prick at this shadowy segment of my self and send it into a panicky, aggravated tailspin.  Do I try to explain myself, re-word my statement, clarify my intent?  Or will the attempt just dig me deeper into the mire?  Do I refrain and wait for my faux pas to become a distant memory?  Or will my silence also be misinterpreted?  Why are situations that are usually really quite trivial also so damned baffling? 

Well, somebody walked up to me,
but I didn't know what to do.
And then somebody said hello to me,
but I didn't know what to do.
Because I think that my words could get twisted,
so I bend my back over, take a gulp, be funny,
'cause I know there's nothing I can do.

Then my mother tried to pick me up
when I was sittin' down on the ground.
Something forced my little eyes to come open,
but I couldn't make out the sound.
It doesn't matter 'cause my eyes are lying
and they don't have emotion,
don't wanna be social, can't take it when they hate me,
but I know there's nothing I can do.

When my thoughts start to feel like mine,
they're taken from me, it seems to happen every time.
And the feelings that are fine for you,
there's somebody there
who doesn't think they are true,
So think of something new,
there's nothing left to do.

And then my idols walk next to me,
I look up at them, they fade away.
It's a destruction of a mystery,
the more I listen to what they say.
So does that mean that there's no more doin',
and there's no more thinkin',
and there's no more feeling,
'cause there's no right opinion...
So can you tell me what I'm supposed to do?


Groover said...

Can't tell you what you are supposed to do but can tell you that it happened to most. The rest doesn't realise!

KaliDurga said...

Sometimes I think it'd be nice to have that ignorance.

Truman Soloist said...

I commend you on your awareness. Most folks walk around in a more or less unhappy state of oblivion.

KaliDurga said...

Well, thank you for that but, again, there are times when I wonder whether oblivion might be a nice state to live in-- Not realizing that your own words have contributed to the problem, reacting to things with no regard to emotional state, not caring whether you escalate the situation or defuse it... Is there perhaps a bliss to that kind of ignorance?